Me...

My day rolls before my eyes. Things I've said. Things I've done. Things said and done to me. Certain moments move in slow motion in my mind. When the reel begins to move in slow motion that’s usually the moment God wants me to search. 

So, I search. I search the room for the key players. I look past the extras. I take in the smells. I move in close to me. I want to see my expression and hear what I’m saying. Then He prompts me to look into my heart. There is something there. There is always something there. The something that emotes my expression and affects my tone and body language. That something that produces the words I speak.

Seemly, I've said the right thing but my face harsh. Other times my face is soft by words are like daggers. Then there are those moments when my acting is superb. I could win an award. Yet, He’ll have me look deeper into what editing can’t hide. Then I see the ugliness that no make-up could cover. The evil intent that only He could reveal.

I have choice. I could repent. I could acknowledge my wrong. By all means I could maintain the charade. There is no peace in the charade. Sometimes there is a call that needs to be made. A conversation to be had, an apology to be given. Often times there needs to be a change in behavior or simply prayer for Him to heal my heart.

I’ve learned to embrace these moments. I’ve even become grateful for them. They are grace moments. It’s grace that He shows me my heart. It’s grace that He doesn’t allow anything to disrupt our connection. It’s grace that He leads me to righteousness, integrity and love. 

He's never impressed with my acting. He wants the real me to be the healed me.

 So do I. 

You have the Audacity...

Audacity…

After hurting deeply is confused by hurt

After betraying is surprised by betrayal

After lying is shocked to be lied to

After abandoning is perplexed by abandonment

After neglecting is amazed to be neglected

After refusing to help is wounded by refusal

Audacity forgets…

Forgiveness is needed...

Ephesians 4:31-32

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.

Colossians 3:13

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you

All My Children....

One Wednesday night I decided to stay home from church with the kids. We ate dinner and straightened up the house. Then I put the youngest to sleep. For the sake of everyone's sanity that little girl needs to get her rest. 

I longed for some quiet time with God...alone. Yet, I heard God say "Ask Jordan to worship with you." Jordan is my oldest baby girl. When I heard God whisper that in my heart at first I was excited. Yes! That's a great idea. Then I stopped and realized God said, to ask her. Not to pressure her, not make her, not to guilt her but just ask. 

After asking I went into our spare room. Turned on some worship music and just began to sing and pray. I was on the floor kneeling away from the door. I really thought she forgot and was caught up doing something in her room. When I turned around to change the song she was in the room. Her eyes were closed and her hands were lifted. Let me say, I was really overwhelmed. Looking at her earnestness and vulnerability before God was emotional for me. I had to turn away from her so I could focus on God. We sat there together for about a hour and a half praying and singing. Gods presence was so tangible.

After worshiping we sat in silence for about three minutes. Then I told my sweet girl "you may not have come from my body but you are no less my daughter. You are apart of my heart and soul. Never question my love or pride in who you are. God is the one who gives children. How He chooses to give children to people is different. Nevertheless, you are Gods gift to me and I'm honored to be your mother" She put her head in my lap and wept. I just held her and wept myself. No parent can explain the love they have for their children. It's beyond words. However, in that moment God gave me the words she needed to hear to encourage and affirm her heart.

Jordan is by no means perfect. She doesn't walk on water or have a halo above her head. But she's mine and she's amazing. I thank God that He found me worthy to called her mother. I don't need to say I am by no means the perfect Mom. I drive my kids crazy often. Nevertheless, they are stuck with me. :)

 I pray for other blended families. That they would do just that... blend. Becoming ONE of something new. All of our children need to know how much we love them and how proud we are of them. They need to be reminded our love and commitment to them is not based in performance.  They can't earn it and don't have to try to it's just... theirs.

Crazy Story II

I was fifteen working as a waitress in the dinning room of a upscale nursing/retirement community. I was getting paid really well. Especially for a fifteen year old. It was a fairly easy job. Just had to deal patiently with a few disgruntled patrons but otherwise all was well.

I would walk from school past John Wanamaker's (a retail store no longer in business) through a open shopping center and on the other side of a small hill was the retirement community.

Some days I would have time to stop at John Wanamaker's on my way to work. Just to kill time because I was a hour or so early. One Day I decided to shop for a purse. I found the cutest red leather Perry Ellis purse and matching wallet. Now this is one of those stores that everything has one of those theft detectors on it. Even the underwear. So how the one purse and wallet I fell in love with didn't have the detector thing on it? I don't know. 

This is were the story takes a turn. If you don't want to know about my crazy days and you'd rather have this image that I've been saved always and walk on water don't read on or it'll mess you up... :)

I put the wallet inside the purse. I continued to browse the store. Picking up items here and there. Finally, I went into the fitting room. There I tried on a few things. Then I slipped the purse and the wallet in my backpack. When I came out of the fitting room I just put the items I didn't want on the counter and causally walked through the door. Although the purse nor the wallet had the theft detectors on them. I still held my breath when I walked through the exit door. I made it through... and continued on to work. 

That was just the beginning. I hit that store a few days a week for half the school year. When Christmas time came well... my uncle got a Christian Dior bath robe, my brother a leather jacket, the women in my family received purses and wallets. I began to gain a knack for finding things that didn't have the theft detectors. I had a method to my madness. That school year I got a lot of compliments on my clothing and accessories. Nobody knew. My family had no idea because I had a job that paid well.

One day I just got the feeling I really needed to stop. I needed to stop because I was destined to get caught if I didn't. I didn't visit that store for a few weeks. It was spring time. The purse that I originally stole now had  a broken strap. I remember thinking ... I'll replace this purse and that's it for me. I have to stop for good.

I went into the dressing room with a whole bunch of stuff. All of it I brought back out except a new purse and wallet. What's crazy? I thought I heard the cashier in that area talking on phone whispering. Something in me felt alarmed. Nevertheless, I continued on. I'd gotten away so many times. I browsed the stored attempting to look casual. I walked out the door and down a slight hill. I began to breathe. Then ... A short stocky lady came running out of the store asking me to stop and wait. For a split second I thought about trying to out run her. I looked at her stocky legs and thought twice. I stood there just waiting for the hammer to fall.

We walked back into the store. We walked through a door I'd never seen before walked down an long corridor to a little room. Where there was another lady waiting. The two women began to empty my backpack. They found text books, college brochures and a purse with a matching wallet. 

If haven't told you yet... I wanted to cry. The lady behind the desk looks at me and says "Your obviously a good kid. Your applying to college. You have a plan and future for your life. Why you're doing this I don't understand." My heart is now starting to ease its way out of my throat making it's way back to my chest. Then she says "So I'm going to call the police to arrest you. I don't want you to ever do this again. You have have a future. I would be doing you a disservice to let you get away with this." I think her words of kindness made me feel worse than any harshness could have.

About 15 minutes later a police officer walks into the office. He looked at me and says "I don't want to handcuff you. If you walk with me and promise not to run we'll not do the handcuffs." Of course I promised. After a short ride to the police station we walk into a small office. Immediately I see a friend of my family. Now I want to die. He looks at me with that fatherly face. That face that's worse than a spanking. He said all the things any good family friend would say. Then he called my grandmother to come and get me. 

No, I didn't get put in a jail cell. I didn't get put in hand cuffs. I did ride in the back of a police car and I did get hit with a fine. You bet your bottom dollar I never stole again. I really thought the lady was going to let me go. I thought just maybe I would just get a slap on the hand. Nope... Of course looking into my grandmothers eyes of disappointment was heart breaking.

That was a crazy moment in my life. I meet all types of people every day. Some people are changed by God's love yet we think they are perfect. They have it all together and have never had issues like us. Then there are people we turn our noses up at. Not realizing what God has done or is doing in their lives. I may have fallen in either of those categories in peoples minds or eyes at different stages of my life. I'm just imperfect me. Learning to accept God love and grace. Learning my past doesn't define me. I'm learning from it. I"m maturing. I'm growing. What's your story? What has happened that you don't mind sharing that was a crazy time in your life that you learn from today?

A Crazy Story I

One day after school my friend and I were walking home. A black Oldsmobile stopped in front of us. There were three guys in the car. Two in the front seat and one in the back. The driver looked at me and asked if we wanted a ride home. I said "yes!" I looked at my friend and said "come on, it’ll be okay." Well… We got in the car. Immediately, the car began to drive in a direction away from our homes. I told the driver "hey, we live back that way". He said to me ‘Oh, we need to make a quick stop first.’

I began to have flirtatious conversation with the driver, laughing and joking. At the same time I  paid very close attention to route we were taking so I'd know where we were. After a 15 minute ride we pulled up to a large brownstone. The guys smiled and suggested we come inside for a minute. You would think that this is the moment all my alarms would go off… nope. We went inside the house. We followed the guys to the second level of the house to find a group of about three more guys. Now, panic began to set in. The driver asked me to follow him to the third floor of the house.  

I caution you before you continue to read understand that I understand this was stupid, naive and a few other words I can’t think of right now.

At that moment, I was thinking... I have to get us out of here. Maybe if I go upstairs with him I can convince him to take us home. So, I left my friend alone in the room with the 5 guys. Went upstairs with the one guy. Immediately he tried to be intimate. I implored him to just take us home. He persisted… I persisted... I lot of persisting was happening. Suddenly, he looked at me in frustration, opened the door to the room we were in and said "get your things and leave." I walked back down the stairs to find my friend sitting on a sofa waiting for me. One of the guys said to his friend ‘you guys couldn’t even pick up a couple of skeezers. At that moment the reality of our situation really hit me. My heart was beating fast I wanted to run. I wanted to scream. Instead I looked in my friends eyes and gave the best non-verbal apology I could muster.

The guys walked us to the car. Had us grab our back packs that we left in the car. They drove off and we just stood there.  At that point we just stared at each other. Grateful to be out of the house and away from them. However, now we had to figure out how to get home. Do you really call your parents for a ride? How do we explain how we got across town? We walked. The 15 minute ride in the car is a hour walk home.

We got home just in enough time to lie to our parents and say we stayed after school for tutoring or a club.

By no means was that one of my proudest moments. However, that was a defining moment for me. It helped me to understand jumping in cars is incredibly stupid and dangerous. 

My real point for sharing this story? I attend the most amazing church. It's full of beautiful broken people. It's not a place that you have to hide your brokenness. Pretense isn't just discouraged it's actually unnecessary. I've received such healing since my family started attending. It's such a place of Freedom Life. We sang a song the other night the lyrics; chimed like so

Shame is gone...   Sing is broken... Hide no more... Jesus paid the price I owe... 

Now I am forever yours 

best part starts at 3:22

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Jzw0K26mF4

I began to think of so many shameful moments in my life and how they no longer weigh me down. The enemy no longer has power to make me feel like unworthy or unlovable. Then I thought... how many of us have these ridiculously stupid, embarrassing or shameful stories. We would be horrified if anybody knew. The guilt of the stories plagues even though we've been covered by the blood. What would happen if we exposed those stories? What would happen if we took away the power of the enemy to taunt us with shame by exposing ourselves and just sharing our stories. That's what I'll be doing in the next several blogs. You may be shocked to learn the truth about me... I really needed redemption. 

So join me on this journey. Comment and share your story...

Writing Out Loud

I have been quiet the last couple of months because I’ve sweated over what to write. I’ll think of an idea then I’ll let a day or two pass and so does the idea. Now here I am two months with nothing. I'm always scared of being redundant. I'm nervous that the content is boring or just irrelevant. Honestly I"ll look at other blogs and think theirs is so much more aesthetic or just more interesting. Finally, my husband asked me the question… what is the purpose of your blog? Who do you want to speak to and why? I think that question has weighed on me also.

What is my point? There are enough people consuming the blogoshpere with their thoughts and opinions. Why should I add to the pollution? It’s taken me two months to figure it out but I have figured it out.

I want to connect with a community of men and women on real life issues. I want to share. With that sharing I want us to cry, laugh and rejoice with one another. I don’t want to be the only one talking. I want you to subscribe and write back to me. I want to have a conversation. When you agree, when you disagree, when you’re just sick of my misspelled words and can’t continue without saying something. I want us to become familiar with each others names. I want us to feel comfortable asking questions and any one of us answer. I want us to respond to someone’s hurt by praying. I want us to be inspired to be a better people. So in essence I want an online community. My blog only posing as the catalyst to invoking thought, conversation and relationship. Most of blogs will contain a story of my past or present maybe even a day-dream or two of my future. I'd like for you to feel the freedom and grace to share your own stories.

Maybe I want too much from a blog. I’m given to being a bit needy. Just writing this has taken a lot from me. I’ve been watching this video by Sara Bareilles 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUQsqBqxoR4

it’s my theme song right now. BRAVE… That’s what I want to be. I want to write. I’ve wanted to write since I was 12 years. I attempted to write my first book at 13 years old. I’ve always asked the question can I write well enough. Does anybody care what I have to say? Of course the age-old question of am I funny enough? After listening to this song over and over I’ve decided to just be Brave.

So let’s journey together. I’ll be transparent with you about my struggles and victories. Hopefully at the end we’ll all be a little more BRAVE!

Potty Mouth

A beached whale, lumpy bumpy even jiggly wiggly are some of the descriptions I've used for myself over the years. I've passed by store windows and wondered why had my buttocks become a separate person and why was she following me. I've had weeks when the mirror at home made me feel lovely and beautiful to behold. Then I'd get to the gym and wonder why were there parts of my body moving that I new not that I had. God forbid I'd go into a fitting room. That excursion would end in a decision to hide myself under the closest rock. A big rock mind you.

With all that said... I realized if my daughters talked about themselves the way I have... I would sternly reprimand them. Then I would stand them before a mirror and give each a dissertation on how beautiful she is and how beauty is within and without. More importantly the latter. Then I'd tell her women will vary in size for a myriad of reasons. Regardless of her size she must see herself as God see's her. I would tell her she should never focus on her weight but health. I would tell her no matter her size she should buy clothes for her current weight. She can look attractive, neat and feminine at any size.

Okay my confession. Why would I not speak those same words to myself? Words I'd speak to my daughters, sister and friends. Why do I lack such grace for myself? How can I look at women of any size and see the incredible beauties that they are? Yet look in mirror and feel such disappointment. Sit in a middle of a pile of discarded outfits and decide not to go. (wherever)

Do I really believe Psalm 139:14? Would I not stand before a group of young women and speak with insistence about how beautiful they are? About how God doesn't make mistakes but makes all things beautiful. How they are the apple of His eye. None of that contigent on the what size they are.

So as I realize how I would refuse to accept my daughters having potty mouths in their descriptions of themselves, I have to practice the same. How can we expect the women that we love so much and influence to have a healthy view of themselves when speak so negatively about ourselves? They hear the words we speak and soon we'll hear them speak the same of themselves. I'm going to start by sternly reprimanding myself. I'm going to be careful of the words that I speak to and about myself. Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. That means we have to know and believe in our hearts what God says about us. Then speak it.

Our challenge...

1. Mediate on Psalm 139

2. Thank God daily for making us and how He's made us

2. Accept compliments with a simple 'Thank You'

3. Refuse to speak with negative references about yourself

4. Focus on becoming a healthier women