He Was There



I never met my father. My mother tells the story of him coming to see me at the hospital and saying I couldn't be his. I was too fair skinned to be his child. Picturing the scene makes me think "wow, there was nothing special enough about me to make him want to hold me and love me whether I was his or not."

I grew up in a home with a single parent where there was physical and verbal abuse. I remember the day I determined I wasn't going to let her see me cry again. She could beat me but she couldn't break me.



Simultaneously I was being sexually abused by a family member. The molestation lasted from 8 years old to about 12 years old. I remember the day of the first actual coitus. I took a very long shower. However, that is a feeling a dirtiness that no shower can clean.

At 17 I had an abortion. The father was a guy I didn't particularly like. It was a painful experience on so many levels. Physically and emotionally. The nurse offered to hold my hand as I was laying on the table right before the procedure. I refused her hand. Thirty seconds into the procedure I grabbed for her hand as I bit on my lip. Two days later the reality of my decision set in. I felt a guilt that paralyzed my soul.

At 19 I gave my heart to Christ. I learned my redeemer lives. This angry, hardened, broken, hopeless and lonely girl He took and made His own.

I am no longer fatherless. I still see that father walking out of the hospital room. However, I now see my heavenly father standing beside my bed. Smiling and pleased with me even then.

I am no longer the hardened little girl who refuses to cry. I still can imagine being on the bathroom floor being kicked. However, I now know He was there. He was hurting for me. He wasn't callously allowing it to happen. He was there promising that even this would be redeemed. I adore my mother. I'm grateful He's healed us both.

I am no longer the little girl so desperate for love that I'd accept perversion than be alone. He's restored purity to one whose innocence was stolen. As I see the stains on my clothes and heart from that first encounter I know He was there. He was there whispering 'this is not your fault" It took me years to believe it. Oh but now I know it's true.





I no longer have to feel guilt and shame for the baby I allowed to be killed. His blood covers me, Removing the sin and shame. I thought He'd never allow me to have a baby. How could I ever deserve to ask for a baby? How could I ever be trusted with a baby? I don't see the nurse holding my hand but my savior holding my hand saying 'even in this I will comfort you and forgive'

There is more I can say. More I can share. I just had a few moments to think on how amazing He is to me. How wretched I was. How broken. What is so amazing is He never saw me as I saw myself. He saw beauty in every flaw. He sees me. No matter who I was He loved me and will forever love me. What manner of man is this...maybe not just a man at all. Jesus is...