I'm Not "Funny"

I received heart wrenching news last week. My husband pulled up a chair next to the computer desk. Turned my face towards his. Looked me in the eye and said. "Markeala, your not funny" Do you believe that? He said me, not funny. I'm witty, I'm hilarious, I'm comical and clever even. Okay so he's right I'm not funny. However, I desperately want to be funny.

I guess I should let him off the hook and tell you the context of the conversation. Duncan (my amazing husband) has been my greatest encourager in the area of writing. He's endured years of me complaining about not feeling creative or clever enough as writer. Last weeks complaining about not being "funny" enough got to him. I told him I want to write stuff that doubles people over with laughter. Really, LOL funny. So after hearing me whine for a while. He was kind of enough to just say "Markeala, you're not funny" but followed up with "your amazing at what you do." I'm a serious person. My mom said I came out this way...intense. So when I write I write with a tone that fits my personality. I guess I've always wish I had a little slapstick in me.

Nevertheless, I think for the first time I got it. For so long in many areas of my life I've tried to be "funny". For a long time it was; I wanted a "stronger" voice. Or just a voice like somebody else or anybody else. In many areas I can see there has been so much focus on what I didn't have that I never really spent quality time developing what I did have. I began to think of how often I've been paralyzed by the sin of comparison. the Bible to says to not compare yourselves among yourselves because it is unwise. 2 Corinthians 10:12 Comparison leads to such diseases as envy, jealousy, strife and the like. We'll spend years or whole lifetimes wanting to be "funny" instead of just being ourselves. Envying the people we think are "funny"

 

I feel a sense of liberation this week. It's okay not to be "funny".  It's okay to be me. I wonder what talent or gift you have that's not being developed because you don't think it's good enough or not the way you want it to be. What wonderful treasure are you keeping to yourself because you don't think you're "funny".

Memories That Sting

I was stung by a bee once in my life. It was a horrible experience. The burning feeling lingers for a while. It is recommended that you remove the stinger quickly to minimize the amount of venom that is released into the body. Last Sunday yet again I was asking God to help me to forgive. I don't know about you but whenever a sermon on forgiveness is taught certain people come to mind. I pray tearfully to God to help me forgive. Unforgiveness has a way of leaving you in state of paralysis that is hard to overcome. You can't pretend it away, you can't speak it away honestly I don't even think you can take pragmatic steps to wiping it clean. It's a work of the Holy Spirit. That being said, in my prayer I heard God speak quietly to me that He was removing the stingers. In essence the memories will remain but the sting of those memories, He is removing. I would love to be spiritual and say how I allow God to remove stingers quickly. However, that's not always the case. I have admittedly allowed a lot of poison into my system. The poison of unforgiveness is bitterness that leads to hatred that leads to vengeance and the such. Its affects are nasty and vicious. Matthew 5:22-24

A few months back I had a conversation with one of my sisters where she explained forgiveness being like a debt owed. When you forgive your releasing the person from that debt. That was liberating for me. In my brain I saw an itemized spread sheet carefully recording the cost of each incident. Words that were spoken, actions done and undone and their cost. Some people owed me several thousand  forgiveness dollars. Others had been paying off their debt slowly and things where evening up. Then God in His love begins to show me my debt to Him. The amount owed supersedes anything I could pay back and on the cross it was all paid. It is something about seeing you own itemized debt that is sobering. It will shake you like coffee from the stupor of a self-centered hangover. I could begin visualize myself deleting the amounts owed from my spreadsheet. What's really amazing is when God begins to show you what you said and did that deeply hurt others. Matthew 18:21-35

I heard these lyrics and thought about unforgivness: 

 When the darkness fills my senses When my blindness keeps me from Your touch... Jesus come

  When my burdens keeps me doubting When my memories take the place of You... Jesus come 

Unforgivness will fill your senses to the point of blindness. You find yourself no longer being able to see yourself, people or even God rightly. If He doesn't come to you in His grace there is no hope. Unforgivness is like the heavy load that is carried around weighing on a persons shoulders. Matthew 11:28-30 Finally here we are full circle where the memories take the place of God. The memories take up more space than they should. They only do that because the stingers are still there. The pain is what drives us to prove ourselves and protect ourselves. Once the stinger associated with memory is gone the memory can take its rightful amount of space providing lessons and love. Let's allow Jesus to come and remove the stingers.

Still In Love...

Still in Love with him

God and His amazing love and grace... Sadly, my life goes so quickly and busily that I don't always have time to quietly reflect on the sweetness of God. There are so many facets to Gods nature ranging from holy to omnipresent. So for me to stop and think on Him being sweet, it sounds crazy. However, today that's the part of God I was reminded of. My husband on the way out of the door turned around to plant a soft kiss on my lips and whisper "you are, amazing" I feel teary eyed even now at the thought of that moment. To some it may sound crazy that in that instance my affections where not just stirred for my husband but for my God. God in His wisdom and love chose my husband for me. God in His grace and mercy have given us two beautiful children. He's given me the desire of my heart.

When life is going great we can take God and our loved ones for granted. When things are difficult we can become irritated and disenchanted with God and our loved ones. Its not easy to give thanks to God in every season, for this is the will of God for us in Christ Jesus 1Thes. 5:18 Nevertheless, its a discipline I can now see more than ever is necessary. In every season there are glimpses of Gods sweetness. The moment when it seems the walls are closing in and yet you have peace you shouldn't. In the moments when  your doubled over in laughter in the midst of good food and good friends and yet you can inhale Gods kindness even in that moment. 

In our home we have a tradition at dinner for every person to say what was their high, their low and what they are grateful for in that day. There have been days that simple tradition has dragged me out of a deep funk. When a day has been hard and I can think of a myriad of lows. On the other hand finding one high is difficult and being grateful for anything is even harder. However, I do every time. Some days I've had to dig deep for it but i found it or it found me.

In essence  I pray that not matter what state we find ourselves in we can still sense the unchanging love of God and the gentle sweetness of His grace.

Who Knew

Life is interesting. All the twist and turns it takes you on. I would have never thought I'd be were I am today. Yet, I am so grateful I am. 

It dawned on me I have made a major move every ten years of my adult life so far. I left Pennsylvania for Virginia when I was 19. I left Virginia for Texas when I was 29. I'm planning to leave Texas to return to Virginia. I'll be 39. What a journey. 

When I left Pennsylvania I had with me a bag of dreams. Dreams of what my life would become. Naturally I would be married by 25. I would spend the rest of my life in the church I was in. Honestly I held the belief that beyond where I was the world was flat. That may seem absurd now. At the time nothing I had experienced before could measure what was happening at the time nor could I imagine anything topping that. 

I was in an amazing church. I was growing and learning. I had great network of friends and surrogate extended family.I had a group of young women I was mentoring and doing life with. How could things get better? Eventually after failed relationships and hearing great reports from friends who moved out of state I began thinking... maybe the world wasn't so flat.

When I drove into Texas I had with me a trunk of expectations. Expectations of how my life would be. None of my expectations were fulfilled. However, a few dreams came true along with a few lovely surprises.

I've traveled to four foreign nations. India, Japan, Nigeria and Mexico. I read Danielle Steel's "Wanderlust" when I was 13 years old. Ever since then it was dream of mine to see the world. I told my aunt upon graduation I was going to the University of FarAway. So to actually go... breathtaking.



Then I met my husband. I'd known him for years. However, I hadn't really met him. His strength, intelligence, generosity and ferocity for God I really knew nothing about. He is an amazing man. With a smile in my heart I still stay he was worth waiting for.


What can I say about my children? My girls 7 years apart. Each advanced in their stages of development. Each make me so proud. They are lovely and altogether delightful. How grateful I am to have them. I kiss them before putting them bed. I kiss them in the morning. I pray everyday they know what it feels like to be loved.

This is not the end to my story. There is so much more to come. So much more to see. I'm looking forward to the next chapter.

I let it go...

I woke up at 5am Saturday morning to my 5 month old moaning in her bed. I didn't move with the hope of her going back to sleep. She did. I laid there in bed until 6am. At 6:01 I heard my 7yr olds pink alarm clock go off. I held my breath. After a few moments I assume she's gone back to sleep. My morning was my own. Whew, and I almost lost it.

I turned on my light so I could continue reading my copy of The Help. I haven't laughed out loud with a book in a long time.Okay so I feel a little guilty that I"m grabbing my Bible before a fiction book. Nevertheless, I am absorbed.

6:45 I hear my husband come bustling in the house. He works the night shift. I hold my breath. Who knows maybe he'll lay on the couch for a few minutes reading a book on his IPod. Maybe he'll continue listening to some podcast he started in the car. Maybe he'll destroy the kitchen cooking a wonderful breakfast. He comes straight to our room...

He tells me to put on my pajamas. Hmm, I have on my pajamas. He leaves the room and wakes up our 7yr old. I did say it was 6:45am? He begins working on a homemade hot chocolate recipe. Tells me to get a notebook. We're having a family meeting. I have to admit I came out of our room with my The Help book and my brown blanket in tow. I didn't know I was going to be put to work as mother secretary.

My 7yr old is eating a pop tart. My husband is rustling in the kitchen after bringing our 5 month old to me. When did she wake up? Back to the meeting... Well we are writing down family decrees. Daddy get's 3 decrees a year. Mommy gets two decrees a year. Each child gets one decree a year. Still haven't figured how this decree business got divided out this way. On the first Saturday of the month any member of the family can appeal rules or decrees. The first week on the month is good eats week. We cook recipes as a family. On this week we'll splurge a little on groceries to get the necessary ingredients. I can bore you with more of the details of all the wonderful things we plan to do as a family this year and next. I'll wait for another blog to do that.

I'll end this one with my morning coming to a close and afternoon approaching. The remnants of homemade hot chocolate, Belgium waffles and pizza omelets are scattered about the kitchen. My husband has run out of steam and has gone to bed. My 5 month old is in her crib asleep for her morning nap. My 7yr old is in her room doing something. Me I standing in the midst of it all. My morning wasn't at all what I thought it would be. I let it go. You do that when you have a family as random as mine. You learn to go with the flow. I could have been frustrated at the state of the kitchen. I could have been agitated at the loss of my morning plans. However, when it's all said and done... I love my family.